Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
