I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
