dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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