I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
