Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
