I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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