Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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