She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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