My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
