so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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