Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I want a musical about memes.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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