anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
