Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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