Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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