dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
