just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
