I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
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Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
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How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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