I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
