she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
