so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
