God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
