everyone is single if you try hard enough
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
