I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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