my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
