If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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