where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
