drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
