Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
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Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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