ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
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I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
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My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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