My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Is it because I queefed?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
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sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
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I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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