I met the friendliest cop last night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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