You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's blow job season.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
