if you like me you must not know who I am
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
