i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
