fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
