My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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