I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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