His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
