im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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