No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
