If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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