Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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