I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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