When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
