Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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