I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
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