Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
