What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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