kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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