FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
