I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
