Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
vagina is talking i cant
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
