he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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