the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
