my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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