just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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