I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
