Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Randomize
