I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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