Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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