My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
